don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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