Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I am midnight drunk by noon
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
