I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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