I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
How's work?
Spinning.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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