i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
