im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
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