If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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