i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Randomize
