Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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