Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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