he shaved USA in his pubs
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
