im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
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