I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize