sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
