So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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