I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
