if you like me you must not know who I am
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
