Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
