My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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