Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
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