Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
