he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
