The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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