The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
