gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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