In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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