Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
