Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
