She said her name was "party"
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
