just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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