Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
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