I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize