i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
