Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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