My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize