So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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