I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
