Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
