Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
