Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
being pregnant is like rehab
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
