hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
