Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I know her cup size but not her name....
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
