I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
