Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
