what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
