nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
