just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
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