We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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