sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
