I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
