clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
