So drunk its hurt
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
