Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
