...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Randomize
